Good evening, class. Today's lesson is: Eleven steps to your girl's heart.
My professor told me that the easiest way to a girl's heart was the path of least resistance.
Step one: find out what she likes. My girl likes fighting with boys and shooting beer cans out back. Wrestle with her, and make her shotgun those beers.
Step two: Tell her how much you like her hair. Down or up, she'll ask you. Tell her you like it braided into a hangman's rope; that you would happily die in the mouth of its noose.
Step three: Take her dancing. She'll tell you she doesn't know how. Tell her it's just like fighting. God knows you know how to do that! Make sure to play spar on the dance floor. Shock the pearls off the little old ladies behind you.
Step four: Call her by her full name. She's wince and tell you you sound like her dad. Smile down at her and say, "call me daddy".
Step five: Run your fingers up and down her ribs. Tell her she's your xylophone, your angel harp. Your little harpie. Laugh when she looks confused.
Step six: Tell her you're going to cook for her. Meat is for the men, remember? Eat your vegetables. Call me daddy.
Step seven: Tell her you can see your xylophone through the little white dress. Tell her to wear black instead. Take her dancing.
Step eight: Play spar on the dance floor. We've done this before, haven't we? Take her home. She doesn't want to. She whips you with her hangman's hair on her way out. Take her home anyway.
Step nine: Kiss her. Hard. Tell her it's just red lipstick on her teeth. She whimpers when you hug her—your little harpie. Someone broke a string on your angel harp.
Step ten: I don't want to fight! She wheezes. It's just like dancing, you tell her.
Step eleven: Slip the noose over her head. Feel the fight go out of her. She didn't want to fight anyway. The easiest way to a girl's heart is that path of least resistance, remember?